Losing or rejected?

Have you ever being rejected in your life?
Have you lose a relationship with your boyfriend/girlfriend before?

Both of this feelings, well pretty much hurt right?
In this world, in life itself, these two things will eventually happen no matter how much you try and try to avoid it. Where God created world with man and women, it is in our nature to get attracted to one another, wanting that attention and love. With all due respect, both of them are the same. There is not much different in wanting that relationship or wanting to have someone there always by your side living a life with you.

To me, what i'm going through right now, is somehow in the middle of both earlier question.
'I prefer being rejected than losing the relationship', why you might say? Because being rejected or friendzoned means that he/she does not want you to be in their life more than just friends. In fact, you will be friends in a way you were before confess that feelings. While losing the relationship hurts, because you will be strangers again.

Right now, I'm in love with my best friend. She's been there for me in my ups and downs and always support me in her way in everything that I do. She knows every past girlfriend that I had and my scandals before, yet she still there for me. It kinda struck me, when most of our friends and even lecturer were assuming that we're going out as a couple. If the environment see us that way, why can't we? I've been liking her since the first time I hang out with her because she makes me feel comfortable, makes me feel like I'm home where I can be myself. But I don't want to ruin the friendship with what I'm feeling and just go with being friends and at that time I have a girlfriend by the way. For around 3 years I'd been holding it in and pretending that I don't like her when everytime everyone ask that question "hey, are you guys together?". It was kinda funny though, we never really said that we never had a feeling for each other. As time goes, the friendship gotten closer and I practically do most of my stuff with her. Eat, hang out, play some music, or even chatting nonsense. It makes me wonder, what if I confront myself that I really have feelings for her?

I really did, and I confessed but indirectly. After that, she starts to act differently with me. There's this awkward atmosphere between us. Its like, we're strangers again. It hurts me, up till the point I hurt myself in order to forget the pain. I really don't mind if she'd reject me or just put it bluntly, friendzoned me. It hurts more than to lose that friendship, she was a friend, a real friend which you can't find easily. If only, if only I can trade this feelings and the relationship we had before, I would.

For now, its hard being strangers again. You probably doesn't read this, but if some miracle happen and you read this. I miss what we had before. I really do..