It still hurts..

No matter how much those sweet words, those kisses, those action of yours, those feelings that are true.................sometimes, the fact that we may not be able to be together hurt me the most. Yes, what's important is what we have right now, 'each other'. When you know how hurt it is to lose the person that you love, you wouldn't want to feel the pain again. Well, I don't...........I think that's why I was trying half-heartedly when flirting with girls before, I mean before I'm with you.

It hurts, just thinking about the pain make my tears falls..
I don't know...
I just don't know..
I think I'd dig up my own grave this time...
God Please!!!! This feeling is killing me!!

I'm scared, I'm really2 scared..
Why???? Why must it be you????????
Why???? Why now????
Why???? Why....i love you so much....why???

Even if i want to take my distance from you..
Its gonna hurt me more by not being honest with myself..
Either way, both ways are gonna kill me someday..
Both ways are gonna hurt me someway..

I just want your happiness at its best...
That's all i want, that's all what i'm trying to do..
and that's all I'm praying for..

So please....
If only you know how much I love you..
If only you know how deep I fall..
If only.........

This part of me that's been wanting you just for myself...
Just for myself.....

What we have now..

Hey, I think I fell in love with you..
and I think I fell hard, really hard..

even if I'm not supposed to do this..
even if this is the reason why I ran away last time..
I end up...doing it anyway..

I just can't distance myself from you..

I just can't...

Those time when we're apart..
It kinda fill me with guilt..
Guilt for what I'd done..
For following what I felt..
In the end, I were too scared..
Too scared to take your hand..
because..

"You're not mine, not that time...... and not this time too"

Then I decided to properly apologize for what I've done..
It end up, I fall all over for you again..
I don't really know what's inside your heart..
I'm even confused..

As much I want to convince myself that you feel the same..
It always end up killing me inside..
Your actions tell otherwise, while your words makes me wonder..

"I know that you have affection for me, but...how much?"

I trust you, I believe in you..
Because you always say to me..

"We don't know what will have in the future..but, we know what have now"

I feel both happy and somehow painful when hearing these words..
But even so...
I'm going to hold on to these words..
Because it's the first thing that you ever say to me that is closest to..

"I love you"

I'm going to keep on loving you..
Until that time when "what I have now" is no longer me..
Even when "what I have now" is still you..
I'll properly say goodbye..

In the meantime..
I'm going to live my life right now the fullest..
My life that has you in it..
I don't know how long, I don't even know when..

But that one thing you told me..
Is the only thing that I know..

"Right now, I only have you"

P/S : I love you..

END of story

L - END
I know that i may mean only that much to you,
I know that the knot will be untied,
But even so..
I can't keep myself away from you..

You know the last time, the last time I ran away..
I'm scared of getting walked all over my heart...
The pain, excruciating me for just have to walk you go..
away from me, at the end of this road..

i want your love,
I want your smile,
I want your heart,
Even just for now
I think it'll be enough for me..

I'll never run away again,
I'm tired of denying what my heart wants,
I don't care if i fall to deep to get up again,
and i hope you don't mind if I act this way..

i want your love,
I want your smile,
I want your heart,
Even just for now
I think it'll be enough for me..

i want you to be mine,
even for a while,
for every moment that i get,
I'll make it the best,
even if its just for you,
I don't mind feeling the pain.
you are my hope,
and I hope that you will be smiling always..


i want your love,
I want your smile,
I want your heart,
Even just for now
I think it'll be enough for me..
I think it'll be enough for me to cover up the end of this story.

'that' time

We can plan, we can try, we can hope.. 
but in the end, the future will never be as clear as we imagine it to be.
It may never end up as much as we wanted to, or it may be something we never really thought of. 

When I was small, what I imagine my life would be at this age is totally different than what i'm living right now. 
Who'd ever thought I would end up this way? 
not even me. 
As we grow, we started to matured, start to think seriously about what we need to do, responsibility, and dreams. 
We started to get scared of the question "What if?". 
"What if i fail my exams?"
"What if i don't get a job even my grades are good?"
"What if something happen to me?"
"What if I'll never get married?", etc.

Having these question showed that you're getting matured as time goes, 
but..
there is one thing that we should never lose no matter how old we get. 

Back then when we were small, we live our life the fullest at 'that' time. 
We should never forget that, 
"live our life the fullest at this time"

What we have right now, 
who we are right now, 
who do we have right now.. 
LIVE IT! CHERISH IT! 

its what u have right now that matter, don't lose it. 
We will never know when we'll leave this world, so let's live our life the fullest at this time where we're still breathing. 

Every second, 
every minute, 
every hour, 
every day,
live it, 
embrace it,
make it memorable!

Losing or rejected?

Have you ever being rejected in your life?
Have you lose a relationship with your boyfriend/girlfriend before?

Both of this feelings, well pretty much hurt right?
In this world, in life itself, these two things will eventually happen no matter how much you try and try to avoid it. Where God created world with man and women, it is in our nature to get attracted to one another, wanting that attention and love. With all due respect, both of them are the same. There is not much different in wanting that relationship or wanting to have someone there always by your side living a life with you.

To me, what i'm going through right now, is somehow in the middle of both earlier question.
'I prefer being rejected than losing the relationship', why you might say? Because being rejected or friendzoned means that he/she does not want you to be in their life more than just friends. In fact, you will be friends in a way you were before confess that feelings. While losing the relationship hurts, because you will be strangers again.

Right now, I'm in love with my best friend. She's been there for me in my ups and downs and always support me in her way in everything that I do. She knows every past girlfriend that I had and my scandals before, yet she still there for me. It kinda struck me, when most of our friends and even lecturer were assuming that we're going out as a couple. If the environment see us that way, why can't we? I've been liking her since the first time I hang out with her because she makes me feel comfortable, makes me feel like I'm home where I can be myself. But I don't want to ruin the friendship with what I'm feeling and just go with being friends and at that time I have a girlfriend by the way. For around 3 years I'd been holding it in and pretending that I don't like her when everytime everyone ask that question "hey, are you guys together?". It was kinda funny though, we never really said that we never had a feeling for each other. As time goes, the friendship gotten closer and I practically do most of my stuff with her. Eat, hang out, play some music, or even chatting nonsense. It makes me wonder, what if I confront myself that I really have feelings for her?

I really did, and I confessed but indirectly. After that, she starts to act differently with me. There's this awkward atmosphere between us. Its like, we're strangers again. It hurts me, up till the point I hurt myself in order to forget the pain. I really don't mind if she'd reject me or just put it bluntly, friendzoned me. It hurts more than to lose that friendship, she was a friend, a real friend which you can't find easily. If only, if only I can trade this feelings and the relationship we had before, I would.

For now, its hard being strangers again. You probably doesn't read this, but if some miracle happen and you read this. I miss what we had before. I really do..

The fear of trusting people..

L - Pistanthrophobia

It hurts, whenever I look at you,
It hurts, when the flashbacks coming through,
My head, the venom is flowing in my veins,
Paralyzing every sense I have,

Trying to get through to you,
Wasting all this fiction tools,
Although you seem far away,
Maybe it was meant this way,

Tonight, I'll fall for you,
Tonight, I'll think of you,
When our memories are just meant to be,
Memories..

All those touches are haunting me,
All those smiles are killing me,
I find it hard to let them go,
Connecting puzzles but even so,

Trying to get through to you,
Wasting all this fiction tools,
Although you seem far away,
Maybe it was meant this way,

Tonight, I'll pray for you,
Tonight, I'll dream of you,
When our memories are just meant to be..

Tied with a string,
My clarity is suffocating me,
I'm no longer here,
Faded in longing you..

Tonight, I'll fall for you,
Tonight, I'll think of you,
When our memories are just meant to be,
Tonight, I'll pray for you,
Tonight, I'll dream of you,
When our memories are just meant to be,
When our memories are just meant to be..
When our memories are just meant to be..
Memories...

Lust or Love?

Nalee & L – One Shot Tequila

If you love making love in the midnight,

I remember the drink we had that night,

Getting hazy every time,  hold me tight,

I can see why my brain stops to work,

Is it me? Or the lust has taken control,

One shot, is enough,

Stay, just stay, away~

One shot, is enough,

Stay, just stay, away~

If you love making love in the midnight,

Having fun, partying up, drinking all night,

No, no, no,

I’d rather say no~

Blame it all on the life in the spotlight,

Breaking up all the love, lust in one night,

You better stay away,

Cuz I’m lost when I’m with you~

If you love making love in the midnight,

Having fun, partying up, drinking all night,

No, no, no,

I’d rather say no~

Blame it all on the life in the spotlight,

Breaking up all the love, lust in one night,

You better stay away,

I don’t want to make the same mistake,

Over and over and over and over again!

If you love making love in the midnight,

Having fun, partying up, drinking all night,

No, no, no,

I’d rather say no~

Blame it all on the life in the spotlight,

Breaking up all the love, lust in one night,

You better stay away,

Cuz I’m lost when I’m with you~